God, the comic geeks must have spooged themselves when they learned that finally, all their ‘batman v superman’ arguments were coming to the movies. I never got that. To me Batman Versus Superman is the same as the ratio of ghosts to snork berries; nonexistent. But, with the intent of becoming the wet dreams of 13-year-old boys everywhere, director Zack Snyder and screenwriter David S. Goyer put this together.
And now it’s time for a rant. How many times have I said “too many Superman movies”? How many times have I said “too many Batman movies?” So what do they do? Put them together. And, as if they’re making fun of me, they stick Ben Affleck in the lead.
That’s it. I quit. <typing stops abruptly, sound of footsteps, door slams>
Ok, not really. But that’s the kind of abrupt change of attitude you can expect from this newest DC adaptation. Dawn of Justice peaks in its opening sequence, a slow-motion, Sucker Punch-esque dispatching of the Batman origin story in three minutes or less, which sets the stage for the introduction of an older, broken, kinda fat Batman (Ben Affleck), who engages in increasingly violent and futile attempts to clean up Gotham City. The rest of the introductory character work sees Superman (Henry Cavill) grappling with public criticism over his actions in his last cinematic outing and the young Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) attempting to build a weapon capable of stopping Superman.
After the opening, it all goes downhill. I have to admit; I didn’t hate Ben Affleck in this. He makes a passable Batman. Henry Cavill came across better as Clark Kent. Jesse Eisenberg was almost embarrassing as Lex Luthor. It felt like he was doing an impression of Heath Ledger playing the Joker. Watching Jesse Eisenberg, I wasn’t entirely sure if he’d ever heard of Superman.
Now me, I’m not a person who has a big problem with violence. Heck, I love everything by Quentin Tarantino and he’s turned violence into an art form. But this movie seemed to be rushed in order to get to the next violent fight scene. The characters become completely interchangeable and really, you stop caring about who wins. The problem is there really are no stakes. This is such an obvious cash grab; we know that they’d never kill off anything they can franchise. Hell, if a spork tested well with a focus group, they’d give it a franchise. And I’d watch the Adventures of Sporky just like everyone else.
It’s not worth the watch, but it’s inevitable. It’s one of those bad blockbusters that everyone will go to, but eventually forget until the next one gets spit out by the studio. They’re raking in garbage bags of money and we’re watching what they tell us to.
I’d say if it’s a choice between this and a Trump rally, I’d go with the Trump Rally. While the Trump Rally will be violent, at least Ben Affleck won’t be there.
WE GAVE IT: 2 Stars – Watch the Official Trailer and Official Movie Poster below!
