Movie Review: The Fantastic Four (2015) – The Critics Were Right, It’s Terrible

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Great, another remake of the Fantastic Four. That’s never happened before, except in 1994, 2005, 2007 and just a guess, but there’s probably at least five other Fantastic Four adaptations underway. This one isn’t a stand out, unless you’re looking for something that’s stand out bad.

If that’s the case, this fits the bill.

This one, directed by John Trank, never really stood a chance. Many anonymous insiders have been trashing this movie since before it was released. Even Trank complained that he had a ‘fantastic’ version of the movie that was subsequently ruined but 20th Century Fox. Just about everyone involved seemed completely uncommitted to this project.

This review is going to be spoiler heavy, because it’s literally not worth watching the 80 minutes of tedious backstory, followed by the 20 minutes of equally tedious climax.

First off Miles Teller plays Mr. Fantastic. This 28-year-old actor seems a bit young for the role, so they fixed it by…making his character even younger? For some reason they portray Reed Richards as an 18-year-old self-taught world class genius who discovers the secret of inter dimensional travel during a school science fair.

Also with him is Ben Grimm (aka the Thing) who plays a boy bullied by his older brother. As if to shoehorn in his catch phrase, they make it so the older brother yells out “it’s clobbering time” just about every time he’s about to beat on his kid brother, which is kind of depressing

Ok, anyway back to the science fair. Of course wackiness ensures when they accidently break the gymnasium. Luckily, Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey) and his adopted daughter, Sue (Kate Mara) just happen to show up to announce they are also attempting to master inter-dimensional travel. So Reed gets a full scholarship that conveniently places him closer to his love interest.

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There’s a bunch of other characters as well, including an entirely forgettable bad guy, but I really stopped paying attention about half way in. It just gets to be too much, like they really want to make sure they shove in as many back story moments as possible in order to cash in on the nostalgia. The problem is, this film is so far removed from the original that it bears little resemblance to any of the original characters.

The cast was utterly forgettable, the screenplay poorly written and ridiculous even by superhero movie standards and the entire thing dragged on so long that half the time I forgot what the point was by the time they reached it.

It just didn’t work. Making all the actors so seemingly young, while trying to shove in too many origin stories, made everything feel rushed and idiotic. I can kind of see why this movie was getting trashed even by the people that made it. The actors sleepwalked through their roles, in a script so filled with clichés and plot holes it could be used as a colander.

I can’t give it a worth the watch. In fact, I hope the Fantastic Four perfect their inter-dimensional technology so I can find a new place where this movie never existed.
We Gave it: 1 Star: Official Movie Trailer and Movie Poster Below

1 star

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First Trailer For ‘Fantastic Four’ Released: Can You Handle The Awesomeness? (VIDEO)

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Fox released the first teaser trailer for Josh Trank’s reboot of the classic Marvel series, Fantastic Four. The internet went nuts when the trailer was released yesterday, and as you might expect, fans either hated it or loved it.

The trailer down below confirms that this version of the series will be following the origin story of the Ultimate Fantastic Four comics, which should please most of the hardcore fans, depending on its execution. Fantastic Four is scheduled to be released August 7, 2015, and is expected to be one of the biggest hits of the summer.

Miles Teller, who is coming off a fantastic performance in Whiplash, leads the team as Mr. Fantastic. Michael B. Jordan will be playing The Human Torch, Kate Mara takes on The Invisible Woman, and Jamie Bell rounds things off with The Thing.

As we mentioned above, Josh Trank (Chronicle) is the director behind the film. He worked with a script he wrote with writers Jeremy Slater and Simon Kinberg.

Check out the trailer down below, and let us know what you think. Hate it? Love it? Need to see more of it?

Movie Review: Nymphomaniac (2014)

hr_Nymphomaniac_20No Climax despite it being a movie about Climaxes

2 Stars

It feels odd to go from reviewing a children’s movie to a movie about a sex addict, but whatever. Variety is the spice of life.

Nymphomaniac is the story of Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg). Joe is a self-diagnosed nymphomaniac who has been seriously beaten and is found by older Seligman (Stellan Skarsgård). Think Black Snake Moan. That’s where the similarities end though. As Seiglemn tends to her wounds she tells the story of her erotic travels.

I’m going to be honest. This was a ‘did not finish’ for me, despite the fact that the movie was all about climaxes. I really felt like I was just watching depressing artistic pornography.  But it wasn’t just porn. It was overly smart self important porn. I know that I might be in the minority, but to me this was nothing more than a director making a movie called ‘this is a woman. Now watch how miserable she is because of sex.”

Joe is self destructive and damaged, but Seiglemn sees a hooker with a heart of gold. By the end, you get so sick of her self loathing and his mumblings about The Compleat Angler and the Fibonacci sequence that you won’t care anymore if people think you’re smart. You’ll just leave.

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The writing isn’t strong enough to overcome the overly explicit material. And it is overly explicit, even for a drama about a sex addict. I changed my mind. It doesn’t feel like porn. It feels like a snuff film.

I haven’t seen a snuff film this artsy since the Passion of the Christ.

The writing is juvenile and implausible. The first story in Joe’s stories of conquests is her and her friend on a train, having a contest as to who can hook up with the most men. Yes, I know that the world is crazy and stuff like that does happen, but the director makes it seem as though it is common place.

It seems that filmmaker Lars von Trier has a very bleak view of the world. In fact, I think he may be chronically depressed.

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The whole movie was bathed in grey and there was no spicing things up or making them more attractive. Everyone looks depressed and miserable most of the time. Even when they’re getting it on, most of them manage to look like they’re waiting for the bus on a rainy day.

The score feels pasted on and overly simplistic. “Born to be Wild” and “Burning down the House” are tossed in, while heavy metal music from Rammstein is inappropriately pasted over scenes in a way that is both distracting and irritating.

The movie is dirty, smug and self important. There are virtually no redeeming values to a weak script over actors with no charisma. The in your face symbolism does nothing to save the movie. When originally holding the press conference von Trier claimed he was making porn.

He was telling the truth in some ways. Watching this movie will make you feel dirty and ashamed of yourself. This sleazy drama is best skipped.

Here is the Official Movie Trailer….

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