Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Exhausting, Terrifying, Successful Crap.

Published On August 16, 2014 » 2525 Views» By admin »

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I grew up with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I was one of the first kids saying “wait, mutant ninja turtles? How high was the person that came up with that?” I’ll admit; I was a sophisticated 12-year-old. So when I learned that the turtles from my childhood were back, I had to check them out.

The premise is a classic one for the turtles. Shedder and his evil foot clan have corrupted the leadership of New York. Then, four incredibly scary looking turtles come from the sewer and learn they are destined to fight crime. Toss in some Megan Fox in the form of spunky reporter, April O’Neil and her wise-cracking cameraman Vern Fenwick (Will Arnett), and you have the perfect formula for success.

Imagine me shaking my fist at the sky screaming “Michael Bay, stop destroying my childhood!”

My first complaint is regarding the turtles themselves. When I was a kid, the turtles were cute. In this movie, they’re friggen terrifying! Like “I’ve been doing steroids and lifting weight in the prison yard all day’ terrifying. If these had been the turtles of my childhood, kids wouldn’t have watched them. They would have checked for them under their beds at night.

Megan Fox as April O’Neil was kind of a good fit. After all, April O’Neil was kind of a one dimensional character to begin with. She’s mainly just there to look good, and Fox can do that. Hell, that’s all she does.

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Oh god, and the Shredder. What was with that costume? He looked like a Japanese Megaton, with a Jason facemask. Why did they need to make him as terrifying as well?

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You know what happened here? Someone tried to make a ninja turtles movie without fully understanding the concept. They probably didn’t even watch the original series. The fact is, it reveled in ridiculousness. It made fun of itself. It didn’t take itself too seriously. After all, it was about ninja turtles, so God’s sake.

Then, Michael Bay came along and turned the cuddly heroes of my childhood into giant steroid monsters. When will it end Bay? Where will it end? You gonna go after “My Little Ponies” next?

It’s crap. It’s complete crap and it’s successful crap. The movie is currently number 2 in the box office, raking in an astonishing $65 million.

How is he doing this? How is Michael Bay continuing to make these crap movies and then selling them to us for millions? This is a man who could sell one of his sweat socks to MGM for $500 million.

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The movie is heavy on special effects and battle scenes, so you won’t have to wait long for action, but again, the battles go on too long and leave you exhausted. There’s very little recovery from one fight to the next.

It’s also heavy on product placement, because corporate America is in league with Michael Bay’s mad subliminal message skills.

If you are a 12 year old boy, and can get past the terrifying turtles, you might enjoy this.  If you are anything else; this is a wait for video flick. America might be loving this movie, but personally, I with they’d flushed it.

WE GAVE IT: 2.5 Stars

2.5 Stars

 

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