Movie Review: Pompeii (2014)

Published On March 11, 2014 » 2243 Views» By admin »

Pompeii Movie posterSo Bad…I wanted the Volcano to Win!

2 Stars

Pompeii was the big budget movie released this week and is performing reasonable well, though it is getting its butt kicked by the Lego Movie.

Pompeii tells the story of Milo (Kit Harington) a slave turned bad ass gladiator who is trying to save love interest Cassia (Emily Browning) from the clutches of an evil Roman Senator. Throw in Mount Vesuvius, which is about to erupt, and you’ve got yourself an action packed gladiator movie…

…that was just plain terrible. I mean painfully bad. It really bothers me to say this, because I am a huge Kit Harrington fan. He’s friggen Jon Snow! I love him and I really wish he had stayed Jon Snow, because his role in this movie was just plain embarrassing.

At one point, I actually wanted the volcano to win.

Though I will say this, Kit Harrington is way more ripped than I thought he was. So Kit, congrats on the 6 pack, but you might need to drop the dumbbells and pick up an application for acting school instead. Bland would be an understatement.

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Emily Browning as Cassia was just as embarrassing, seeming to fluctuate between hysterics and mild boredom, but not much else.

The screenplay was uninspired and simply copied from just about every single gladiator film out there including specifically “Gladiator”. It’s a predictable, violent, love conquers all action adventure that gets its point across with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

I will say it had its unintentionally funny moments. Like as a volcano is exploding behind them and shooting fireballs that are crushing screaming citizens and burning them alive, Milo and Cassie stop to make out. It’s just so damn ridiculous that you have to laugh, while you resist the urge to scream ‘what the hell are you two doing? There is an exploding volcano behind you. Run!”

The shame is the special effects were pretty kick ass. It makes you wonder why they would spend so much money to film the scenery and explosions perfectly, and then phone it in on the screen play. I haven’t seen a disaster like this since the new Star Wars movies came out. Bad writing can ruin any special effect. I don’t care how good that effect is.

Pompeii

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As an example of bad writing, let me share one of the beginning scenes. How Milo and Cassie meet it probably the worst ‘how I met your mother’ story that ever existed. The dude literally murdered her horse right in front of her. No joke, he put that thing down with extreme prejudice. Naturally, instead of running away screaming, Cassia’s knees turn to jelly and her lady parts are set ablaze. I mean, what chick doesn’t love a guy who introduces himself by snapping a horse’s neck.

Ah, young love.

Terrible, just terrible, but this movie is almost wonderful in its terribleness. I think the main problem is that it is so poorly cast. While Kit plays an excellent, sullen Jon Snow, seeing him as a horse killing romantic interest is tough to stomach.

It might be big budget, and it might be bringing in great money at the box office, but it is a train wreck, albeit an extremely good looking train wreck. Speaking of which, it’s probably worth watching just for the shots of Kit with his shirt off, of which there were many.

Watch the official trailer below.

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