My son and I have been arguing about the premise of this movie ever since the previews came out. He think that the only time a horror movie should have a doll as its main evil protagonist is when it’s a funny horror. Think Chucky. I think it never works because in honestly, I could take just about any doll in a fight. One word. Flamethrower.
If Annabelle, the creepy doll, looks familiar, you should note she appeared in The Conjuring. Apparently, she was evil there too. We start out the movie by meeting a couple of nurses talking about their own experiences with the doll from hell. Then, we meet the Warrens. Pregnant Mia (Annabelle Wallis) and husband John (Ward Horton) move into an apartment and acquire the doll, possibly for their ‘incredibly creepy dolls from hell’ collection. Of course, the doll is there to take the couple’s newborn baby’s soul and pretty much everything that follows is Chucky without the laughs.
I’m just going to say it. Demon possessed or not demon possessed, it will be a cold day in hell before I fear a doll. It’s a friggen doll. Just kick it, for Gods sake. Annabelle would have never survived in my house, because after my son cut all her hair off and died it blue, he probably would have tossed her in the microwave for a bit. And no more Annabelle.
The scares are repetitive, tired and go on too long for the punch line. Its lots of paranormal scares, where you squint at the screen and say “wait, that wasn’t there before…” before rolling your eyes. The scares are those pretentious ‘smart people’ scares, like watching a Halloween episode of Jeopardy. I hate being required to pay attention to a horror like I’m paying attention to the Usual Suspects.
Enough with squeaky floors being scary. I grew up in a New England farmhouse. Trust me, I don’t fear creaky floors or even mysterious figures in white. Where I come from, a mysterious zombie-like figure wandering around in the house just means grandpa forgot to take his meds again.
You’re going to have to try a bit harder to scare me, Annabelle.
This movie is about as lifeless as the possessed doll that is its namesake. The scares are clichés and the premise is too silly to be scary. Every time I saw that doll start to run around on her little possessed legs, I had to fight off a fit of giggles.
There’s one point at the beginning of the movie that’s actually scary. Weirdly, it’s when the young couple gets attacked by psychotic hippies. They got a few jumps out of me on that. But I wasn’t sure what the hippies had to do with anything.
WE GAVE IT: 2.5 Stars